Fast forward 3.5 years later we still haven't conceived again. We both imagined that we would have our second two years after our first so they would be close in age. God had another plan. 

Neither my husband or I want to do things "un-natural" and therefore have just waited it out knowing it would happen sooner or later. Well let's just say later has come. I don't want to have another child so far apart from Cameron so we've planned a date.. if I haven't conceived by then it wasn't meant to be. 

And let's be honest, now that the date is fastely approaching I'm having a mini freak out moment. My Mom's been on my case about going to see a doctor so I did... today. And now starts the multiple tests for me, for hubs, vitamins, and constant thoughts of "am I pregnant yet"... which is all consuming and honestly not the way I want it to happen. 

I NEVER would have thought that it would be hard for me to conceive. My Mother had four children, my Grandmother had four children, my Great Grandma had six (I think) children.. there is a long line of genes to prove I should be capable of having TWO. 

It's a weird thing to have to think about. I guess I'm just stubborn and want it my way when it's not my actual choice. So here's what I plan to do. Do the three tests my OB suggested, find out the results, harbor suggestions she gives me, try until our date, and that's it. I'm not doing anything un-natural to conceive. I think it's wonderful that we have those options, and some of my friends have used them to get pregnant and couldn't have otherwise, so for that I'm grateful. But it's just not for me. 

And then I'm giving it up. I don't want to be consumed with baby brain. I don't want to be upset, or have the what ifs. I will look at the positives and move on. But for now, I want to share that if you are going through what I am .. you are not alone. It's not always easy. And it sucks donkey balls when people ask you "when are you going to try again", "where's baby number two", "bear needs a sister".. Yes, those comments irritate the shit out of me because it makes me feel like I'm not capable. 

So here goes the doctors plan.. and then I give. I'll send my happy baby thoughts up into the air, maybe I'll make one of those Japanese lanterns, write baby stuff on it and send it on fire into the sky thanking God for all I do have if this doesn't work. That would be a good farewell. 

Obvs I'm rambling now so I'll leave this be without editing.. because this is my blog, my thoughts, my life. Just know if you're experiencing this, you are not alone.